buttholes. We all have one. Actually Susan changed that phrase to "like a bag of powder-sugar buttholes" I'm not sure how that came about but I like it because it is specific. So let's do this people. Last night continues my love/hate relationship with the Antoinette Perry Awards. Holy balls that show makes me spike emotionally but I am going to go on record on this blog and demand a revolution. Let me begin by saying I don't know jack shit shit about how an awards show is put together. I fully respect the loooooooooong ass hours people put in to make last night happen, and I'm talking from the producer to the interns and PA's who have to run and get "inset thing needed here". But, people I love the theatre soooo hardcore and when the one special night where we get to have an awards talent/show and it looks lame, I must blog. So with full respect I would like to call for change. I feel like last night's show is an example of trying to serve too many masters. Again my made up opinion, but last night feels like what happens when you want to be all things to all people. The theatre community is divided: young/old/old fashioned/new ideas. Prob mix in CBS and what their needs are: advertising, ratings numbers, agenda. Mix in the needs of the shows nominated and the ones that aren't: Who gets to perform? How long? When? First hour? During the Sopranos? Can we say fuck? Can Pirate Queen or Legally Blonde get some time? Then a dash of we need to respect Chita and Ben V and Angela L but the kids want to see Usher and Fantasia. All of it. Lots o' people to please and serve. I get it. But people we have to find a way to get along and make some choices so the show doesn't suck. Here are my humble thoughts and observations.

1. Eliminate all descriptions of categories. For example, I don't need kick ass people to come out and read some boring ass copy like, "The director's job is to inspire and combine elements of inspiration for the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." Please cut this. I know what a director is and so does all of america.

2.Make sure all production values and the look and feel of the show are current. Introducing the presenters using that headshot/reveal gimick was awesome....in 1983. (although special shout out to M Berresse for voice over work)

3. Don't put Ben Vereen near the end of the show in that 10:50 slot when you need to cut off at 11 sharp. I think he is gifted but possibly a touch crazzle and may not adhere to time limit rules.

4. Let Sutton present. Why the hell not. My feeling is let's start with the premise no one is watching. Maybe low expectations, but a place to start. So let's say we are shooting to get a new demographic so we want to lure people with "stars." I just think it is weird to think that having Ann Heche will make this huge difference in the numbers. So I kind of vote for 9 people's favorite thing. Maybe try to make it the coolest muscial theatre scene show and then others will stumble and watch. Right now it seems like in trying to get a bigger audience, they re still not watching and your built in fan base just gets bummed we have to watch the 8th replacement Sally Bowles. Newsflash, Sutton is hot! If frat boys are flipping through the TV and saw her, they would watch.

5. I love Tommy Tune. Legend. Talent. I don't want him to talk and sing a song with his head cropped at the botton of the frame while we do a slide show of who we lost this year. We need to find a better way to present this. And I am sad we lost Betty C this year.

6. We aren't the Oscars, Emmy's or MTV awards. Let't not try to be. Spring A rocked and it was all theatre people. MTV awards wish they could have a number like Spring A did last night. That was all straight up Tony s people and they didn't need a star or the cast of Big Brother. It was just smart and creative and new and I bet you an Obie Award any one flipping through at that moment stopped to watch that, and Christine E, and Mary Poppins, because it was us doing what we do best...what we love. Not trying to second guess what America might want to watch or what is in or hip. What is in and hip is what is smart and funny and good, and people can smell it a mile away when you are trying to fool them or get them to watch. And that includes the theatre lover in Iowa, or in a trailer in Georgia. They love the theatre because they love the theatre. They have the internet. The can download Grey Gardens on i-tunes, they read the chat boards. People are smart. They don't need to be told that "even my favorite movie and TV stars got their start in the theatre." Stop using that as a pitch. Make your awards show smart and classy and funny. Get Seth Rudetsky to write the show. Creation Nation. Jeff and I can throw in a few zingers. Suprise me. Remind me why I love this art form soooo much. Why I baked a cake in the shape of a Tony award. Why the memory of Angela hosting brings goose pimples to my arm. Maybe it was kick ass when I was younger because I was younger, but I still believe so much in this art form and I want the night we celebrate it to be awesome and non-sucky. And that is the night the lights went out in Georgia. Whew! (end of my Julia Sugarbaker speech)

Side note:

Julia: Excuse me, aren't you Marjorie Leigh Winnick, the current Miss Georgia World?
Marjorie: Why, yes I am.
Julia: I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help over hearing part of your conversation.
Marjorie: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.
Julia: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie - just so you will know - and your children will someday know - is the night the lights went out in Georgia!

Ok enough of all that.

How bout them Sopranos?